I am writing this on the evening of 23rd, sitting in front of the tree with its lights twinkling, and Oliver's Christmas Eve box placed beside it, waiting for us to open in the morning. Normally we'd put our presents under the tree as and when we receive them, but this year it remains completely bare, through fear that Oliver will go after them, just as he does with the decorations! They will all be laid out when he is in bed tomorrow night, so the first time he sees them will be Christmas morning. Sitting here in my festive setting, with a candle burning, and a Christmas tea nicely cooling, has got me feeling all reflective.
This year has been a really strange, but wonderful one. So many said it would be the best year of my life, and they were right, but nine months ago I was starting to doubt that this would be the case. If you'd told me back then that I'd be looking forward to this Christmas, I wouldn't have believed you. Looking back at that time now, I'm astounded at just how far I've come in such a short space of time.
I felt sad, alone, and looked at my son as if he was a stranger. Fast forward to today where, I have to be honest, he's been a total pain in the arse, but to hear his gentle breaths through the baby monitor as he sleeps makes my heart leap. I adore him and I cannot get enough of him. Even on his worst of days, I treasure every moment of him, and I realise just how lucky I am to have him.
Today we visited the grave of my two cousins. I looked at my son, who was softly sleeping in his car seat at the time, and cried at the realisation that they will not be here to share his first Christmas with him. For one of them, it should've been their first Christmas too. Despite never having to chance to meet them, neither of them will ever be forgotten, but it makes us treasure their sister even more. She is so gentle with my little boy and I love to watch them play together. That is one memory I will probably treasure most from this Christmas Day.
As well as forming such a special bond with my son, my confidence has come on in leaps and bounds this year. I've taken some pretty big risks, which have now paid off, and I can now look forward to what 2018 has to offer. I started the year scared and confused, uncertain of what the future would bring, but I'm ending it feeling accomplished and excited.
Today we will take our usual trip to my sisters house to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol together, and lunch on M&S party food, before coming back home to have a nice chilled evening before the madness of tomorrow. We have to get up ridiculously early to fit in all of the family visits before Christmas lunch but, lets face it, I'll probably be wide awake well before the alarm goes off!
My heart is bursting with excitement for Oliver's first Christmas. He's not going to have a clue what is going on, why there are so many brightly coloured parcels under the tree, obstructing him from being able to pull his favourite bauble off, and he'll probably be more interested in playing with the wrapping paper than his presents, but seeing his face filled with joy, whatever the cause, is enough for me. I intend to create many memories and take lots of photos to look back on with him when he's older. Christmas is my favourite time of year, and each year I will try to make it as magical as possible for him so that, when he's old enough to understand it all, he will love it as much as I do.
I realise just how fortunate I am to be in my position. I'm not particularly well off, but I have everything in life that I could need, and for that I am grateful. I have a feeling that this year will be the best Christmas yet, but I also hope that there are even better ones to come...
I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and that you create some treasured memories with your loved ones. See you on the other side!
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